So here I am at university on a Sunday evening and all my housemates are across the landing having a cosy chat while I am sitting here on my laptop on my own, contemplating the life decisions we make. I look at the photos on my wall of friends and relatives and they remind me of some good times before I had any notion of what CFS/ME was.
Because I have a dilemma tonight. Should I get up and join them, or should I stay here and wind down to sleep? Joining them would involve my general ill feeling increasing and a possible very bad day tomorrow. Staying in my room would involve me feeling better health-wise but also very lonely and resentful.
And it is these kind of choices that now make up my daily routine. Being in a place with so many people who should be my peers really reminds me how different I have become. The decisions my housemates make are so different and if it was them, the answer to my above question would be easy and obvious.
It scares me how easily I can slip into this way of thinking. It takes one mistake, one reckless action and the rest of the day must be spent in bed. The possibility of me not eating later that day is very real, depending on how I look after myself in the morning. At 19 I should be impulsive, yet I am making the daily decisions of a much older person, and I miss something I never had. A number of older people have said to me that they think chronic illness harder on the young because if you get ill at 60, you can look back on your life (hopefully) with an attitude of having lived well. But for a younger person, your life has only just begun!
I am aware that I am feeling very sorry for myself this evening, partly because I am scared of starting my new term again tomorrow, so I shall try and include some positives.
I made it to church this morning for the first time since February, which of course was very tiring, but I really enjoyed going. I was thinking during the service how often we try to attribute blame and question the apparently bad things that happen to us. Sometimes we blame ourselves, sometimes we blame others and sometimes we blame God. And maybe God is to blame for some of the bad things that happen to us, but blame is the wrong word. I see these things as things that just happen in the grand scheme of things, but at least God has some control over it and can make it worth our while.
And as for questioning why bad things happen, we never stop and question accusingly 'God, why on earth did that go well? What did you do that for?'. Why do we really deserve such great and amazing things to happen to us? Even people who are considered very Godly have awful things happen to them. I'm not saying that we deserve for bad things to happen to us but I think that it is a healthy way of dealing with things that life throws at us to turn the knee-jerk reaction around.
Easier said than done of course.