Thursday, 26 September 2013

19 going on 90 / Facing fears

This week I have been back at university. Lectures don't start until next week but I figured a week to settle in and get my bearings wouldn't be a bad thing.

Even after 9 months now since I relapsed (or crashed) I am still finding new aspects of being ill that I haven't come to terms with yet. And sometimes things I thought I had worked out turned out to not be so worked out as I had thought.

One of my cousins (who unfortunately is a bit dubious that I am sick at all) calls me 19 going on 90, which made me laugh at the time but which has come round to bite me eventually.

I am not a typical young adult. I spend most of my day in bed, not out of choice, but out of necessity. I can't walk for more than 10 minutes without serious repercussions later on so I can't join in with my friends with anything that involves leaving the house. I have to be in bed by around 10pm to allow for the 2 hours it will take me to get to sleep, and to prevent any groggy mistakes being made (I managed to burn myself this week because I forgot at 11pm that desk lamps that are left on become VERY hot!).

And what's the deal about being normal? I had actually prided myself in the past that I didn't just follow what everyone else was doing and did what I wanted with my life and my appearance. And yet now, I just want to be a normal young adult at university. I don't mind not going to numerous house parties, but being physically capable of doing my studies, and socialising and planning my future would be nice. But right now, I can't see past the end of the week, let alone my degree, let alone plans post-degree. How am I meant to get a job? Or study so I can get a degree-related job later on? My future in 2 years' time seems to involve going back to the parents' house and recovering the best I can for the 2 years after that.

And so today I have been facing up to my fears. The thought of continuing my degree, let alone looking after myself terrifies me. The people who are meant to help appear to be waiting somewhere out of sight, controlling the outcome of this venture from an office somewhere, while I am left struggling to put together a sandwich for lunch, partly because my brain is so muddled and panicky that I have forgotten to buy half the food I need. Everything just seems that little bit rubbish today, but hopefully things will pick up soon.

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